Keep Forgetting

Sucks

2011-12-27T09:01:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of days that I feel like I have a purpose, but more that I really don't feel like I have one at all.

Life at home is a constant struggle. It was hard when it was just Mom who was sick and crazy, but with Dad out of commission it feels like I'm in this totally alone. Mom is a shell of the person she used to be. She will tell you it is just the illness, but it is also all the drugs she is on. She really won't admit it, but she is a heavily addicted to the pain meds they have her on. She starts slurring, losing words, and zoning out more often then she probably knows. It is painful to watch and I miss my mom.

Dad is sick and tired so I feel really alone in this. I feel like I have so much sitting on my shoulders that I can feel myself breaking under the weight. Then I get yelled at for not doing things right when I'm struggle just to get them done. I quietly sacrifice things to take care of them and so they just assume I'm doing nothing. I don't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad or guilty. They tell me I don't have to, but what kind of a daughter would I be if I didn't? Then instead of saying thank you, they just throw in my face that they never asked. i just need them to say thank you sometimes, that I'm needed, that I'm loved, and appreciated. I don't even always get treated like a member of the family as it is.

Life just keeps getting more complicated and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have the sinking feeling it is about to get even more difficult. I need to find a purpose soon or I'm not going to have a reason to keep going forward. I need something to move towards, something to care about, and someone to care about me. Right now I'm just lost and sad. Life is more pain than it is joy. It shouldn't be this way, there just be a break somewhere.

Friendship

2009-09-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of friendship end over the years. Some we just grew apart, some we had big blow up fights, and some I couldn’t really tell you what went wrong. The ones with no reason are the most painful. I’m the type of person who tries to be a friend for life. I try to do my best for my friends whenever I can. If a friend needs money, I will give whatever I have even if I really can’t afford it. I try to find thoughtful presents for birthdays and Christmas so they know I care about them. I’m the one you can call up and ask almost any favor of and I will do it. I’m that way because that is how I want my friends to treat me.

I want friends that care as much about me as I do them. I like having friends that know when I need just a little support, but also aren’t afraid to give me that dose of reality when I need it. About 2 years ago I was sitting in a hot tub with my friend Manna, my coworker, and another mutual friend. We were talking and drinking and having a great time. She looked at me and then at coworker and said, “You love him. I know you well enough that I could see it from the first moment I saw you two together.” I stammered and stuttered trying to find an excuse or lie my way out, but she was right and she knew it. A month later I started seeing that coworker and we are still together (but no longer coworkers). I’m glad she called me out because if she didn’t who knows how long I would’ve waited to be with the love of my life.

It was a friend that made me I was in a bad relationship a few years ago. She was the only one brave enough to call me out for being a dumbass. It hurt at the time, but it was nice knowing I had someone who was always looking out for me. A friend will support you and love you no matter what. A good friend will tell you when you are being an idiot, but will still love and support you the whole time. When you really care about someone, you try to help them and make their lives better because it matters to you that they are happy.

No matter why I lost a friend, I always tried to do my best by them. It isn’t that I haven’t made my share of mistakes because I have. I have not always been the best friend to everyone and I have a chronic case of foot in mouth disease. I try to apologize when I’ve been wrong and try to understand where other people or coming from. It doesn’t always work and it’s sad, but that is part of life. People don’t always stay friends forever, even if I would like them to be.

I’ve made amends with old friends years later and have found that wounds do in fact heal and that it is absolutely worth taking the effort most of the time. I’ve also learned that sometimes there are friendships not worth saving. I had someone I was best friends with for close to twelve years who just disappeared a couple of years ago. I tried writing her a few times and made a few phones calls, but she never answered. In the end, I decided that if I reach out to someone and they don’t reciprocate they aren’t worth the time. I’m not going to beg for anyone’s friendship, it just isn’t worth it. It’s a two way street and one person is putting in all the work and effort then it really isn’t a friendship.

So when although I’m not a perfect friend, I do the best that I can. I hope that my friends always know I’m there, when I put my foot in my mouth it is usually because I’m a well meaning idiot, and that I value what they add into my life. The world would be a very empty place without someone to talk to and share your joys, tears, and life with.

Ghosts

2009-08-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

I was right, but I really don't feel like discussing that today. What I'm going to write about isn't easy for me to discuss and only one person really know this.

I almost died coming up on five years ago. While little known, this isn't what I need to talk about. It caused a ripple in my life that I feel to this day, but there is one thing I don't really say to anyone. I often have felt since that day that I was supposed to have died and I fought against my fate. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting punished for not going quietly into the night.

The days before were good, they were really good. I remember driving up to the Poconos with my boyfriend and having about the best weekend of my life. Things all seemed to fit so well and make so much sense. I could see my path clearly and I liked where my life was going. Things became effortless. I remember being really happy.

The day before began the decent. I could feel things start to slip away and spin a little out of control, but there was peace in the decent down. I understood what was happening and although I should've been scared, I wasn't. I had this calm about me that I have never had since.

That night as I went from the terror of knowing I was about to die to being completely at peace. Things felt really beautiful. The trees swayed above my head and the night sky was as pretty as I can ever remember it. Those seconds felt like hours. Then it felt like being yanked back into the fear and the pain. It took a minute to get my wits back because it was hard to understand what was going on and why. Then I begged for my life. I had accepted I was going to die, but I begged anyway. To this day I have a hard time believing that I actually lived.

The next days were an awful dream. Nothing felt real or good. Everything hurt and it was like walking through mud. Not just because of what happened, but because this felt so wrong for me.

Sometimes I still feel the ghosts of his hands around my neck. A reminder of what my fate should've been and where I belong. Like the hands of death clawing at me to succumb to my fate, but I'm still here. I'm still fighting through everyday and ignoring the pleas that maybe I should've given up. I fought for a reason and whatever that reason may be, I'm here and I'm trying to make the best of it. I tug at my shirt collar to brush away the feeling of his hands and buckle down to face another day. It's hard, really hard, but I'm alive for a reason. Even if I feel like I should've died...I didn't.

So life isn't easy. I didn't get the great do over many people got where my life turns around and things are perfect. I struggle, but I have to hope that it will be worth it. Without that hope there isn't a reason for any of us to beg for our lives. Hard or not, I fought for this life, I begged for it, and I need to do whatever I can to make the best of it.

And she was right...but I will be too

2009-08-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

“Get your lunch and pick something good, because I’m about to piss you off.”

I stopped and stared at my mom for a minute wondering what in the world she would have to say that could possibly piss me off that badly. First my mind went to my niece, then to my boyfriend, and then to our current living arrangement (I’m still at home). None of them really felt like a topic I wanted to discuss.

Despite her warning, I got barely anything and just nibbled as we chatted through lunch. I was not thrilled she was going to say something that would upset me so really food wasn’t on my mind. I was beginning to think she wasn’t going to say something when she took a deep breath. “We were talking and decided to get your niece a cell phone.”

My first reaction wasn’t anger, just relief that it was something that small. We had been arguing over this particular topic for months now because I felt she didn’t need a cell phone and it would be a waste of money. Niece is only 10 years old and is never out of sight of an adult. She would be getting a phone just to text her friends. That seems like a pretty huge waste of money to me. Nephew will be walking home from school starting in Sept and he’s 12 so we had all agreed his time to get one had come. He really couldn’t care less, but we figured it made sense for safety reasons. Niece immediately threw a fit she should get one too.

My main issue is these kids are so spoiled the appreciate nothing. They talk down to and belittle my mother on a pretty regular basis and she rewards them for it. If you do something awful you will get punished. Want to get off the punishment…do nothing. My nephew was grounded for a month for hurting another kid. He deserved the punishment. Three weeks in my parents let him off because he hadn’t complained. He had no right to complain, he did something wrong and was punished for it. There shouldn’t be rewards for doing what you should’ve been doing all along. Every single, solitary punishment these children get they get let off early for doing absolutely nothing at all. They have learned whatever the punishment, you will get less just for staying quiet. Sometimes you will get less even when you do complain because they will look for a reason. Keeping kids grounded is work and my parents just don’t feel up to it sometimes.

Before my mother even told me I knew how the conversation with my niece would go. I made a comment she would probably want a full QWERTY keyboard and something expensive or she would throw a fit. My mom said “Yeah she wants the Env3 and started throwing a fit when we said that was too much. Your father told her to shut up or she was getting nothing.’

Mark my words that kid will get an Env3. Probably because “well she didn’t say another word about it after we told her ‘no’ the first time and it REALLY wasn’t that much more money to get her what she really wanted.”

These are going to be the saddest, most ill prepared adults you will ever meet because they have had to work for almost nothing and been handed pretty much everything they have ever gotten.

I have a theory about why my mother is this way which I will post later. I love her, but I think she does these things for the wrong reasons.

Updating all the Old Stuff

2009-08-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

What do you right about when you've already written out everything in another blog? It's hard for me to decide what to write at this point because I've got the choice of starting all over again or rewriting a couple of the things I didn't publish over here. I think it will be a hodgepodge of things. Some of the old ones reference ones I didn't post, so I know it will be confusing. So I think I'm going to go ahead and give a run down of who I am and what this is first.

I'm 30 years old as of this year which is what the birthday post was about. I was dreading it, but I lived. My sister died about two years ago and she makes more than a few appearances in the ones I left up. We didn't get along and there was a lot of love lost between the two of us, but her death (and life) affected me profoundly.

I'm currently with a wonderful man who I love dearly, but he has the misfortune of following a parade of not so wonderful men that some would call downright abusive. He is a firefighter so that eats up a lot of his time leaving me lonely a little more often then I would like, but it is also part of the reason I fell in love with him.

I worked in a terrible job for a very long time, but recently moved over to a job that I'm liking better every day. My boss is a good, honest man. That's such a rarity that it is one reason I enjoy coming to work. I had grown bitter and jaded by the lies and mistreatment in my old position.

I have a niece and a nephew who I love, but desperately want to beat daily. They are good kids, but my parents spoil them unendingly.

My mother suffers from a number of health issues and doesn't seem to want to get better. I've decided that she feels like she deserves to be sick or maybe even enjoys the attention from being on almost 30 medications. I love her and worry all the time about losing her, but the constant struggle to get her to care more about her own health has left me tired. I don't want to lose her, but I can't imagine doing this same dance with her for another 20 years.

I love horses and used to ride all the time until my knees were shot. I still have my own horse, but she is elderly now and we are just enjoying the twilight of her years. I ride her bareback wit a halter some of the time, but that is about it.

That is pretty much everything for the time being.

Smelling the Roses

2009-07-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am getting ready to get a new phone so I just uploaded all the pictures that I had saved on my cell onto my laptop. It's amazing how much can happen over a year and a half.

I had pictures from parties with me doing shots with a coworker/friend who is now the love of my life. I had pictures from vacations that took me back home to the south and all the way out to the Grand Canyon. There were ones of the puppy days after he was born all the way up to the giant oaf he is now. There was even one of the cat I lost almost 7 months ago curled up in the lap of my boyfriend. They made me smile, laugh, and sometimes even cry a little bit.

Of course this got me going and I went through all the images on my laptop, some were from five years ago. Back then I had a completely different lifestyle and a completely different set of friends. Some have moved away, some have started their families and just don't have much time, and as always some of us have just parted ways.

The one thing all the reminiscing did was make me want to savour today a little more. Who knows where we will all be in another five years...appreciate it now.

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things" - Author Unknown

Bottled Up

2009-06-29T07:28:00.001-07:00

It's been a week since I wrote anything here. It isn't because I don't have things to talk about, I just don't feel like talking about them.

I'm pretty much bottling up everything recently just to get through the next few weeks. Things started a little before my birthday and I buried them to get through that. Now it's because two of my closest friends are getting married this Saturday. I keep finding reasons not to deal with things I know I will have to deal with sooner or later. I've learned from experience that rarely works out well.

I've taken to sitting and stewing over things. I'm getting very tired of fighting for things and have just accepted that my life will never really be what I want it to be. People will always treat me poorly, I'm never going to have a really awesome career, and I will probably not be able to buy a house in the next 10 years.

Well that and I have realized that even though I always put everyone else first, I can never except anyone to do the same for me. There is always going to be someone or something more important that I get tossed to the side for. I'm not saying I have to be the end all be all, just to come first a little more often.

Once we got the kids my parents suddenly stopped caring as much what happens to me and I often have to suffer for the wants of two spoiled brats. I'm not talking wants here, I'm talking they are allowed to destroy my bathroom because they want to and my parents don't want to put the effort into stopping them. When I try to step in, I get told I'm evil and controlling and need to pick my battles. OK fine let them destroy and use up all of your stuff and see how happy you are.

That isn't all the things...but like I said I don't feel like talking about most of them. Hopefully I cheer up some soon...

Forgiveness

2009-06-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

I still want to forgive people. I tell myself there are people that will never be back allowed in my life for the things they've done, but part of me always wants to make amends.

It took years for me to admit that I had long ago forgiven the friend that slept with my boyfriend. Almost as soon as it was over I wanted to talk to her, but the people around me made me ashamed to want to. So instead I just went my own way and lost touch with her. It took almost 7 years before we became friends again. Now we are back to where we started, as good of friends as we ever were. It makes me think about the others that I've written off.

I have a friend from high school that wrote me off without a warning. One day I tried to contact her and she wouldn't answer. That was almost three years ago. I see her message friends on Facebook and it makes me furious...and heartbroken. I have sworn we wouldn't be friends again if she tried to get back in touch, but I would sure like for her to try so I can find out for sure.

The fact is, I need to accept when things are lost for good. When someone does something to hurt you on purpose, you need to cut them out and not look back. Sometimes an apology just isn't enough, even if they really mean it. The fact someone is capable of doing something that nasty in the first place is a sign that you should probably let go.

So my plan is to forgive, but to usually still let go. Just because I've forgiven someone doesn't mean they have to be in my life. So to those who have really hurt me...I forgive you, but you need to screw off anyway.

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” - Thomas S. Szasz

Fresh Start

2009-06-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

This is my new blog. The one I'm keeping mainly to myself. My old blog was handed out to people I know IRL as a joke. I didn't think it was funny. That one is going to stay and I'll write there too some, but honestly I feel like I'll have a harder time being honest with myself.

Keep forgetting is because well I keep forgetting important things. Like to also say thank you or not to trust people so easily.

Anyway hopefully this one works out a little better for me than the last one.

What Dreams May Come

2007-06-02T08:55:00.001-07:00

So here's the thing, I'm moving on, but I'm not sure what I feel anymore. I'm not as upset as I was, not even close. I'm actually doing pretty damn good I think, but my dreams are crazy. They always say you deal with the stuff in your dreams you can't handle when you are awake. Sometimes I wake up almost drowning in my own tears still sobbing my heart out. I'm a little disturbed by this to say the least. I'm sure that I probably am probably burying some stuff until I can deal with it, but I am starting to worry that I am burying things just a little too deep. I've got a little headache and I miss ex boyfriend some, but I really do feel good right now. I had enough on my plate as it was without ex boyfriend choosing now to be a jerk. In fact he said that was part of why he was being mean, he was tired of me being upset. I swear, the blog lately isn't a good example of my personality, I'm a pretty cheerful person for the most part. Everyone had bad days, I've had a bad half a year. There were a few things that came before this, but really things really went south 4 months ago.

I hated my sister. Absolutely and completely hated her. She had spent the majority of the last 17 years making our lives miserable. She was a pathological liar who fed off of ruining the lives of those around her. A number of years ago she decided to become a hardcore drug addict. She neglected her kids to the point that my parents and I had to take them in. I ended up having to put my whole life on hold at that point to take care of her responsiblities. I was young and it was hard to walk away from college, work, and friends to help raise two small children. This made me more than a little angry at her.

Back in November I was getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner when I heard her voice upstairs. I avoid family functions she's invited to because I hated the sound of her voice, hated to looked at her, she just made me flat out angry. I flew up the stairs and demanded of my mother, "Why is SHE here! This is for family! I wouldn't have stayed here if I had known you were going to let her come!" My mom's eyes watered up and she said, "SJ, the kids wanted her here and I'm not going to deny them seeing their mother. You know how hard it is for me to have her around, please don't make it worse." I wish I could've been more mature and just accepted that but of course I yelled, "Who cares what the kids want! SHE didn't want them, she gave up all her rights to them! All she does it hurt everyone! WE'D ALL BE BETTER OFF IF SHE JUST DIED!" My sister was standing in the dining room when I was screaming this and heard it all. I threw her a dirty look and I ran up to my room to cry it all out of my system. I stayed away from her the rest of the day and never spoke another word to her.

Yes I'm almost 30, but there is alot of anger for the damage she had done and the pain she caused. The lies she told about my parents, the friends she cost me, the people at school avoiding me because she was my sister. She made it so I was left behind all my friends and got to see them move on and do what they wanted in life while I got to be a stay at home mom for the children she had, but threw away like garbage. I hated her guts, I wanted her dead. I was going to dance on her grave the moment someone took that hateful bitch out of the world. If you knew her, you would understand why I felt that way. She could really be that bad.

So I'm sitting at work in Feb when the phone rings. It's my mom and she sounds scared, "SJ, the police just called, they want me to come to the station it's about your sister. They won't tell me anything. They told me to have your father come with me, I don't know what's going on, I'm scared." I knew right that moment she was dead. I told my mom I was coming home and hung up the phone. On the way home I was scared too. In my head thinking about never seeing my sister again, remember the last thing I said to her was we'd be happier if she died. I started to cry and called exboyfriend (who I was still with at the time). He didn't answer so I called my mom to talk to her so she could stay calm until I got there. When I got home I just hugged my mom, I could feel her shaking. Mom had said alot of things she regretted to and about my sister. Mom had suffered more than any of us over it, she loved her daughter, but hated her at the same time. Nothing makes you hate a person like cleaning open sores on a year old baby because her diaper hadn't been changed in several days. Still we were both scared to death that they were going to tell us she was gone. My dad got home and they went to the police station. I sat by the phone for the next hour and a half waiting for a call to let me know what was going on. Was she in trouble with the police again, it happened all the time, or was it what we were afraid of.

I heard the garage door open and my heart lept into my throat. They hadn't called like they had promised, they came straight home. I walked over to meet them at the door to the garage and the moment I saw my poor mother's face I knew. "She's dead. I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you on the phone." I held my parents and listened to them sob and started crying myself. My sister had health problems from her years of drug use, they had her on close to 20 medications. Two of them had interacted and she died in her sleep. There were no track marks, no one had killed her, and she didn't go out in some spectular way. My sister was 30 years old and died in her sleep.

So I spent the next few weeks in shock. This was what I thought I had wanted, but it wasn't. I wanted my sister to get better, but had just lost hope of that ever happening. No amount of therapy or meds was ever able to stop her from hurting herself and everyone around her. This had been a 17 year struggle which we had failed so many times we had no other choice but to give up and protect her children.

Exboyfriend actually was angry at me for being upset. He didn't understand why I would cry over someone I hated. I couldn't explain that sister and I had been close during her more sane times. Sister was a normal person when she was pregnant. She was funny, sweet, and giving. There were also periods of clarity that seemed to have no exact reason, but they were always painful because you wondered if she was finally going to be ok when she'd slip back into madness again. We tried everything we could think of to help her because we knew the person that was buried under all the lies, but it just never seemed to stick. I was crying more for the person we knew was buried under there. I cried for the sister who was my best friend when I was little. The girl who was my partner in crime for most of my childhood adventures, the teenager who went horseback riding with me, and the woman who asked me to be her maid of honor when she got married. I would never get to see a even a glimpse of that person again and the last thing I said to her was I wanted her to die. The guilt drowned me and still does at times. It's only been a couple of months, but I'm still in shock about the whole thing. While she was still alive I thought I hated all of her, but I didn't. I just hated what she had become. I wish I could take it all back and hug her goodbye one last time, because even if it was my crazy sister, maybe somewhere deep down the one I loved would've known that I cared and that I didn't want her to die.

So in the past 4 months now I've lost my sister, one of my closest friends, broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and been through living hell at my job. So maybe the only way I can deal with it is to cry in my sleep. Hopefully soon I'll have some good dreams and they'll start spilling over into the real world. Sorry for yet another sad story guys, but I needed to get this all off my chest. I promise you tonight a good story. Maybe I'll tell you about when sister and I made it rain in the living room....